so i should be attempting to go back to sleep for another hour or two. it was sometime between 2 and 3 that something of some sort woke me up and me having the belief it was 5am. i constantly kept thinking to myself just 5 more minutes and ill get up and shower. i dont know how long that went on for in my half awake state, but at some point i looked at the clock thinking it was 6am and rushing into the shower and taking it as quick as i could. normally when i take such a shower, as late as 6 i am not only hassled by my mom because she is the shower after me, but my brother because he too needs to take a shower, after my mom. so i hear nothing, my house is still silent and from what i can tell everyone is asleep. i start thinking the worse, that something happened and thats why no one is awake or why no one really cares. i get out of the shower and go back to my room only to find it was about 3:40am and i put my pjs back on and proceed back to bed. i cant get the idea in my head that i am awake because of some feeling, some knowing of something going on. im thinking the worse and so scared of that. i dont want to be right.
so i now have anohter hour of 2 to sleep, that time which is slowly slipping away as each letter on here appears. the bells of our grandfather clock rang about 6 mins ago and it just made me think. the bells telling up that another hour has passed, life is short blah blah blah. too much core analyzing of poetry and stuff. but yeah.
i have actaully be thinking a lot about that recently. i guess somewhat tied into the extisetial/romantic unit we are doing in core and my slowly approaching bday where i will be 18 and the end of the year that is bound to come faster than anyone can believe when i will graduate high school. this age i am at now is always one i held on a pedistal, the age i wanted to be, the age i waited for. i think it was ever since balboa and i saw those teenagers walking down the street and garrett, matthew and i were disgusted by the fact that they were not only smoking a cigarette, but dropped it and then picked it up and continued to smoke it. that is the image i had a of a teenager, and that image i created and idea i created of what a teenager was someting i never caught hold of in my life, but an image constantly playing in my mind, still waiting for that older age of a teenager. it is here and i feel different, i feel young, i dont feel like i am ready to be at this point.
i look back and i and things have been fairly good, but i wish i had enjoyed things as they happened, rather than looking back at distant memories. i think i need another visit to balboa soon. any balboians intersted?
so i guess this is kind of off topic, but in spirit of the essay im supposed to be preparing for, for gifford. too bad im going to fail the essay which disucesses my favorite philosopher.
in the bigger picutre, things have been really good this last few weeks. there were ups and downs, but a lot better than the past year.
im sooo scared right now, as well as a bit tired and not thinking straight. i guess i will lay here in my discomfort and worry for about another hour until my parents wake up and after talk to them hopefully be able to get ready and go through the day at school. yesterday, i was lost in thouht and preoccupation throughout my whole astronomy class, i was unable to go to hebrew school. i spent the evending/night in what is one of hte most difficult and discomforting experiences i have experienced and i think tonight was the the greatest extent as it has been in the past in this situation. the best part of my afternnon/evening i think was seeing sean when i was almost in tears. just seeing him, hugging hiim gave me a smile for that minute, even if it meant walking all across granadas campus and get lost beyond belief and wallking looking llike i had any idea what i was doing. i think i can now find anything there.
welll i think i will let myself just lay here for sometime before i get up and get moving, if im lucky get another small amount of sleep.
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