new years

my chest is heavy, as i lay here trying hard to stop focusing on my breathe.
how to deal is playing in the background as i type this.


i met someone in my stats ckass who ever tuesday and thursday afternoon (late aftenoon) would greet me with "happy new year" or "good morning". he did this after telling those who sat around me about his grandfather who does just that, greets everyone he passes in such a manor. he sees it as the morning, like the new year is a new begining, a chance to start fresh.
while that is a nice way to look at it, i prefer to look at it a little differently. every morning is another chance to be yourself. to lie a little less to yourself and the people around you. to drop your guard juat a little more (or atleast in the presence of one, or a selected few inddividuals). every morning is anothe chance to live your life that way you want to live it, in your own control and to its fullest. new years, similar to the morning glory, is a day set aside to be the morning of mornings, the morning of the year. a day for procrastiniators like me, a chance to begin living for themselves. later doesnt always come, later may one time be too lateor non existant. that which is put off until tomorrow hardly ever actually gets done because tomorrow is always another day away.


it is 2008.
just over 25 hours ago was the transition from 2007 to 2008.
this may have been the first year i brought in the new year with a significant other.
every year i remember the trz new years parties, good times.
and then the years spent at my house with various differnt people, even some alone.
though come to think of it, i have never been completly alone at midnight, whether its someone next to me or someone on the phone with me counting down, i am with someone i care about. thats actually kind of amazing to think about.



a year ago today, i was in a very similar, yet very differnt place.
2007 was a very influencial year in my life.
throughout the year, i cryed, i laughed, i loved, i learned, i grew.
most importantly, is the growth.

i have grown to understand myself in so many more ways and to understand that i have so much left to figure out.
i have learned so much about life and love.
i have loved those who i chose to keep in my life and most importantly, i have worked toward loving myself.
i have laughed at the big things and the little things, those things that are hillarious and those that are not funny at all.
i have cried tears af pain and i have cried tears of happiness, both making me stronger in different ways.

it was in 2007 that i truely learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally, to be there for someone through everything.
it was in 2007 that family regained its spot on my priority list.
it was in 2007 that i became more open to seeing myself in different ways and exploring new feelings.
it was in 2007 that i indulged myself in my feelings and did not hold back.
it was in 2007 that i fell in love.
it was in 2007 that i began to think about myself and where i am in life and what i need.
it was in 2007 that i turned 18.
it was in 2007 that i graduated high school.
it was in 2007 that i gained a new sense of independence.
it was in 2007 that not only did i learn something about myself, i taught myself something new about myself.
it was in 2007 that i created goals and dreams.

it is in 2008 that i will begin living those dreams and reaching those goals.
it is in 2008 that i will continue to learn more about myself everyday and embrace everything about myself.
it is in 2008 that i will focus on what is already present in my life rather than searching fro something new.



as i think through the last year, i have been through so much, almost like those soap opras that go way over board and you say to yourself as your watching it, all this cant possibly happen to one person in such a short period of time. that and it becomes far to many developmental attributes to put into hte character.


as i was looking at one of the many organizations i have found this year who focus on love, among other community bulding and healing attributes of people, i had an idea which i thought was brilliant. if i can find a group of people to work with and put myself to it, i hope to accomplish my idea.

"here's the cross roads we all face when we get an idea. Let it pass, or do something" - faith. hope. love. movement.

i have been the one that lets it pass for too often, it is time for me to be the one to do something, i am scared though.


it would probably be best if i get some rest.
good night.
and happy new year.