life under a rock

i have shared many laughs at the comment that i live under a rock as an excuse or explanation to my poor familiarity of pop culture. the truth is, i have realized i am a hermit, not because i do not like people, but because social interaction scares me.

i have comment before that i do not like people, but that is just an easier way of saying i am uncomfortable in social situations. i am scared to be myself. i am scared of rejection. i am scared to let anyone break beneath the surface of who i appear to be. all this makes being with others nearly unbearable at times. pardon the cliche, but in a crowded room i do feel most alone...shaking on the inside, the wheels of my mind turning, and a straight face plastered across my face.

these inadequacies and insecurities are a result of never having the opportunity to think for myself. my decisions were already made by my moms opinion that spoke louder than any thought or desire i had. her opinion was more than an opinion, it was her approval or disapproval and though she tried to convince my i was the one making the decision if my decision was not her decision all hell broke loose and my house was world war three. the less pressing decisions like what clothes i wore, what music i listened to, what i showed an interest in, etc. she still never failed to share her opinions of disapproval...for years, resulting in me feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

couple with normal teenage rejection and peer pressure i no longer knew who i was nor felt accepted anywhere. i built up walls to hide behind my insecurities and buried my secrets so deep that only could uncover them. always trying to be who i thought was expected, i never learned how to be me and how to be proud to be me. now that i have grown to know me for who i am and be proud to be that person, i am too scared to let anyone outside of cyberspace know who i am because of the fear of being hurt. avoiding the anxiety of interacting with others...second guessing feelings and intentions, real thoughts vs. socially appropriate responses, etc. it has become easier to keep to myself.