though i had typically developing language, in preschool i did not talk. i was observed for possible delays and disorders and was soon diagnosed with selective mutism; an anxiety disorder where in certain situations ones vocal chords become so stressed that no sound comes out. i switched preschools, then began elementary school and hebrew school and still i did not talk at school. in addition it was difficult for me to talk to certain family friends and relatives as well as regular personal like waiters or shop clerks. i was threatened to be failed in school or to be moved to special ed classrooms, still i could not speak and of course non of these threats ran their course. in second grade i got into a magnet school specified for gifted children. as we discussed this change, threats were made to be kicked out of the school if i did not talk. on the first day of school i talked, although in hebrew school i still did not talk and social situations remained difficult. as i grew older, social situations, while still difficult became easier and i soon had an internal conflict. there became these situations where my mutism took over and it was difficult or impossible for me to talk but at the same time i was old enough to realize that being 13, 14, 15, 16, etc. and standing in front of someone unable to respond or communicate only grew more attention to me. with this internal conflict, many times it became easier to grunt a one word response than to have that attention on me.
this is still a struggle i face daily. just the other day we were at a bat mitzvah for a family friend. in all the years i have been going to bar and bat mitzvahs i have escaped that camera man that walks around asking the guests to speak into a microphone and say something to the bar or bat mitzvah. on this particular occasion i was standing with my parents and one of my moms old friends and my dad agreed to speak. i tried to move away and the microphone soon got passed through the whole group. the camera man then came to me and asked if i wanted to say something and i said no. he then said come one, just say mazel tov. it became easier for me to just agree to say a one or two word thing into the microphone than to argue with the camera man in front of people i hardly knew.
around the age i was in second grade, once i began talking in school and i no longer met with a therapist to try and get me to talk this idea of selective mutism became obsolete. i always seemed to fit in in social situations though no one knew my internal turmoil and discomfort. i was mostly perceived as shy and i always found myself wondering why it was so easy for everyone else to talk and it wasnt for me. as i got older it clicked, though i was able to talk in school, selective mutism is not something i got over or something that just vanished, it is something that i deal with everyday and that i have just learned to cope with.
knowing nothing about it other than its name i began researching it. most of what i found i could agree with bits and pieces but still nothing seemed overwhelmingly comparable. a few months ago a friend of my told me there was a special on selective mutism on some obscure cable channel. i found the channel and watched it, this was the first time i was truly able to connect with stories and feelings of others. after watching this special i felt tremendous appreciation for those in my life who have had to deal with me, mostly those teachers who accepted this as a condition and worked with me and treated me the same as everyone else.
recently, i find myself sharing these stories with people in admissions essays and conversations discussing my future career as this struggle is an integral part of who i am and how i approach my work as a teacher as well as a reason for the struggles i face in assistant and student teacher work. i feel almost as if i am coming out, releasing this secret and burden, and opening doors to allow people to help me.
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