dear you,

every time i hear andrea gibson, i think about the first time i saw you. you were beautiful, you still are. i hardly recognized you from the pictures i had seen. i remember walking around like a chicken with my head cut off looking for you (not exactly sure who to be looking for). i saw a girl in the distance and i remember staring at her and admiring her as i tried to keep my attention on finding you. as it turns out, i was doing one in the same, it was you and you walked up to me and said hi like we knew each other, we started talking, as if old friends, picking up where we left off the last time we saw each other, only this was our first meeting.

we had only been talking for but a week or two at this point. we met online in a truly innocent fashion and i really hadnt a care one way or the other how things turned out. the meeting for me was really an excuse to see andrea gibson again. i remember my drive on the freeway, nervous and scared but not in the butterflies in the stomach sort of way in the time leading up to an anticipated first date, but just not knowing what to expect, meeting this person i had been talking to online for but a week and hardly knew. and then the anxiety of having to sit with your for a couple of hours, not knowing what i would say to keep from the awkward silences.

when i saw you, when our eyes met, i knew everything was going to be okay. there was a sense of security and belonging from the start; it was just easy. we walked and talked a bit until the program began and we took a seat close to the heater and talked as we watched the opening performances before andrea gibson took the stage. i inconspicuously inched closer, hoping you would put your arm around me or grab my hand instead of continuing to comment on the large amount of lesbians present and the fact that everyone was with a partner. i didnt want to see the night end, i would have stayed there all night had you stayed with me.

i didnt want to believe it myself and i was fearful you wouldnt feel the same way so i kept my feelings to myself. we continued to talk and hang out; still unsure of your feelings, i had these awkward what if conversations in my head. when you admitted to liking me, i was nervous and scared of the actuality of liking someone and letting something develop as i had reserved myself for so long, in my lost, heart broken love.

i had forgotten these early feelings that i so easily tried to hide from both you and myself and ascribed it to liking the attention and feeling special to someone. i was fearful that i would hurt you, that you liked me far more than i liked you. it went on like this for some time and slowly i began feeling it all too and i said all the cute things that i didnt even know i was saying, and meaning every one. it all happened so quickly and i really fell hard. it hurt me every time you told me not to fall for you, that you didnt deserve it, that you werent a good person; i tried not to make myself completely vulnerable because i was fearful of the truth behind what you were saying and if there was something i didnt know. i really was happy though, and whether we were official or not, it was the happiest and most comfortable i had been with someone in a long time.