yesterday my parents had some people over for dinner and it brought up some really real fears/worries that i have been dealing with lately.

one of the people that came over is a credentialed teacher who is having a difficult time finding a job. my mom believes that he is gay and she also believes that he is closeted in hopes to easier find a job because of prejudices toward gay teachers and male teachers.

as i am nearing the start of my credential program as well as growing more comfortable in being who i am, this is something i have been thinking about a lot and become very concerned with.

questioning my sexuality began at the start of college when i entered a romantic relationship with my best friend. she too believed she was straight but at some point began to recognize the feelings she had toward me that were all the feelings she felt missing in the romantic relationships she carried out with male partners. we talked and talked and talked, we did what felt right which eventually led us to the decision to commit to a romantic relationship and see where it took us. at the time i was uncomfortable with the idea of labeling myself as gay or bi or any variation there of, but i knew i was happy with her. that was enough for me; so i stopped trying to make sense of it, i stopped trying to label myself or our relationship, and i just let myself feel, i let the relationship take its course and followed my heart.

it wasnt until after we broke up that i began questioning my sexuality as i didnt know where to go from there. i knew that while i had feelings for the people i previously dated, a physical relationship had not felt right in the same ways as it had with her. i didnt know whether to attribute that to the mental and emotional intimacy we had already developed or the fact that she was a girl. i had an attraction to guys and girls alike and i went back and forth and back and forth until i realized i was making myself crazy. i decided it didnt really matter, i like people for who they are and like i did with my best friend i would just follow my heart when i meet someone i truly am interested in.

the moment i attribute to really coming to terms with my identity was at a party; a guy asked me if my hair was short because i was a lesbian or because i liked it like that and i said both. how ever the wording in the conversation went his next question was if i identify as gay or queer and i said queer. this was the first time i used queer as a label and it really felt the most right; i didnt need to identify as anything persay, just the all encompassing queer. and over this last year i have really come to terms with how i have chosen to identify and have been more comfortable with people knowing.

still, i have shyed away from being out at work. knowing the stigmas still associated with homosexuality i was worrisome of being out at work; i was concerned about the reputation and credibility i would be able to develop with my supervising teachers as well as the parents of the children in my classes. i didnt go to great lengths to hide anything, but i was not overtly open about it either. i shyed away from talking about people i was interested in when everyone else shared stories of their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands or i did so using gender neutral pronouns.

in this time of self actualization and comfort regarding my sexuality, i inadvertently began a period of self actualization and comfort in my gender identity. from as far back as i can remember i had trans curious thoughts that tried so hard to push away. at the time i was much too young to even attribute these thoughts to the possibility of being transgender, let alone know that such an identity existed and thus i always identified as a girl and female. i do however recall numerous times throughout my life that i have felt as if i was trying to pass, not so much as male, but as female. again, these are thoughts i had since repressed and and only now beginning to remember.

i remember the conversation perfectly, i was at work, on my break and one of the parents that i had become friendly with had stopped by to pay money or settle some paperwork or something. her and i engaged in a conversation that consumed my break that began as a discussion of my mom not liking how i looked because i “looked like a boy” and her telling me that that it didnt matter that androgyny was attractive. this was the first time i felt like it was okay to present myself the way i do. as time went on i learned about genderqueer and as i met more people who shared the same feelings and identity, i grew more and more comfortable in my own skin, gender expression, and identity.

finally, i am me, a person i am proud to be, but i fear the prejudice of those in my work place. i fear that my gender expression and opening about my sexuality will counter my credibility before i have the opportunity to prove myself as a teacher.