a look into myself

as finals are coming up, i have realized, more so than ever that i have the ability to sit in a class, pass the class with a decent grade, and walk away not having learned anything. i think that that is really unfortunate and really sad.

growing up i was always a really good student and an over achiever. i never procrastinated and i always worked to my fullest ability. somewhere along the way, that was all lost, in large i think that was influenced by many of my friends. i was in honors classes all through school and i got fairly decent grades, yet i never did any work. i stopped reading, even that which was required for class instead i had friends summarize the chapters right before a test or quiz. throughout high school i could be found finishing up homework at lunch and nutrition or asking students from the class in previous periods what was on the test or if the homework was collected. i did what i had to do to get through. as the years progressed, it got worse and worse.

i am now in college and i do no work. i am in 19 units currently which most of my friends find crazy. between school and work i find myself bored and with nothing to do. i have spend hundreds of dollars on text books in the last two years and have not read any of them. i dont make much of an effort in most of my classes, yet i am surounded by students who work hard and i still do better. it just doesnt make sense to me.

i have made the decision that i want to be a teacher, yet i find it ironic because i am now the prime example of the minimalist student, the ultimate procrastinator yet i get above average grades.


i have realized that this is not just true in my school life, but in many aspects of my life. what saddens me is that this is within my relationships as well. i find that since i became more open with people i focus more on myself than others. i can sit and have a conversation with someone and not remember much of what we talked about. i can sit and have deep conversations with people and still feel like i do not know them. i have realized i am not very good at knowing people.

relationships are the single most important thing to me and i am not very good at them.


my new years resolution this year, or one of them is to be more active in my life. i am going to be a more active student, a more active friend, a more active daughter, a more active sister, etc. i am nineteen years old and i am responsible for the relationships i have and i have to be the person i want to be.