often times heartache serves as inspiration, motivation, etc. for art; be it drawing, painting, writing, composing. with me, it seems to be the opposite, heartache has induced a lack of motivation and a loss of inspiration. i get lost in thoughts of loneliness, sorrow, sadness, and rejection and find myself in a funk, lost, confused and hopeless.
it gets especially hard around this time of year. as the skies grow grey, twinkling eyes and shining smiles stand out even brighter; embraces are tighter and more gentle; and hearts are warmer, contrasting the cooling air. suddenly one is reminded who is and is not in one's life; how relationships have changed, grown, and ceased. memories are recalled; empty hearts sink deep within the chest while others lift, fluttering.
the last four years have been significant for in defining relationships. who wanders by and who remains.
i remember several years ago my mom made a comment about have high school friends remain in your life, i cant remember exactly what it was but that it is rare and surprising when childhood/high school friendships remain throughout one's adult life. i responded saying that i knew i had two true friends who would be in my life forever. both are friend i met my freshman year of high school. the first was someone i became close with rather quickly, we talked to each other about things we did not usually open up about, sharing stories and memories. throughout high school we remained "best friends" but our relationship had significantly changed. i knew/know that we will remain friends forever, by each other's side when needed and ready to celebrate significant life events, however our relationship is not what it once was and for me it would be difficult to get back to that point. when i made the comment that he would be in my life forever, i knew it was likely but also knew it was possible it we would grow apart which by that time i had accepted and was okay with. from him i learned many things as well as further developed and grown into my own. the second relationship is vastly different. we were in class together, talked in class but did not really have a relationship outside of class. slowly through high school a relationship had developed and shortly we knew one an other's life stories, still each day managing to learn something new about the other. both fairly private people, we found a comfort and trust in one another and began sharing stories and thoughts that often never left out minds and memories. this was truly a rare relationship one to be cherished which it very much was. three years ago she went to college, one year before me and rather than drifting apart we only got closer. when i said she would be in my life forever, i knew it as a fact, or so i thought. just over a year ago we had a falling out, we have no spoken and no longer a part of one and other's lives for what i believe to be fear. not a day goes by that i do not think about her; calling first thing in the morning, saying goodnight before going to bed, the jokes that so quickly became second nature, etc. i know that from her i learned to love unconditionally, to appreciate that which is undesired in a person, to communicate, and to love myself. none of this i learned because she was an excerpt at any of the aforementioned, but because she and our relationship forced me to grow into such. whether we come to cross paths in the future or i only have the memories we have already made, she will live on in my heart and in my memories forever. i know i can not make her come back or force her to stay, but no one can take away her impact. it was from this falling out that i have grown to really look at and appreciate the non physical aspects of my relationships and recognize and hold dear the teachings and inspirations of each person in my life.
four years ago my grandma went into the hospital with a stroke. the stroke she had nearly everyone dies from and miraculously she lived and was recovering amazing. while in recovery she had a second stroke that struck her down. in the hospital everyone was ready to give up, they said it was the end, that she was going to die in days; four years later she is still alive. she is no longer the person i once knew, full of life and energy, she is pretty much bedridden and communicative at times, but still every once in a while i see that person i once knew in her, those times make me smile. i know that she is only alive because she has fought for her life, but i do not know if she is fighting for herself or because she does not believe we are okay with her dying. there are some days where i think her death would bring peace to both herself and my family and there are other days i can not imagine life without her. i grow sad because what was simply recovery became reality, it is getting harder for me to remember her how she was and see the person i knew when i think about her. still each day i hear her voice as different situations present themselves, reminding me of the what she has taught me. i find myself wondering if she could comprehend, what she would think of who i am becoming and who i am.
through this, at times i feel as if we have almost neglected my other grandma. well neglect is a strong word, but with the primary attention focused on one grandmas recovery, not an equal share attention on my other grandma. hardening of hearing and lessening of her eyesight was only the beginning, but very quickly she went from good to bad, to worse. we helped her move the other day, from her house to a group home. i was very adamant that she needed to be a part of the decision and she needed to give the okay before she moved, i did not want her feeling forced. the decision was hard and the move even harder; i had never seen her cry until i was in her house and she asked if she could cry. even in the process of the move it hadnt become fully real to me. my dad, my aunt, my mom, my brother, my sister, and my cousin all there together, put together her new room. it came out very nice and i truly hope she will be able to enjoy her life at this new home. while i understand their reasoning, i do not agree with the way some my parents and my aunt did some of things related to the move, but it is not my place. in the last few years as it is more difficult for get everyone together at the same time in the same place, it has grown increasingly important to my grandma that we are all together the times possible. though i am in a place where i do not want to spend all my time with my family, family has grown increasingly high on my priority list and i really do cherish those times we do have together.
this time of year we recollect the year's and years past's events and inventory ourselves and those in our lives. especially now, in a time of financial crisis, it is important to recognize and appreciate those intangible, non material, free yet valuable parts of our lives. it is important to remember the wholes do not need to be so deep and the heavy hearts do not need to weigh us down, these missing people are only missing if we allow them to be. this holiday season and new year, lets remember those once with us and allow ourselves to see what remains of each of those people in each of us every day.
spirits and ghosts are not supernatural, but rather our extraordinary ability to let memories live on.
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