honesty,morbidity, catharsis

as i have become more aware and accepting of my own identity there are some days that i feel so good about who i am and so comfortable in my own skin and others where i am so confused ping ponging back and forth with ideas in my head. in the times that i am sure of myself and proud to be me i want to be open, i want to be “out”, i want to feel comfortable answering the questions that are daily and giving an honest answer each time. some days i sit there trying to imagine a conversation of me coming out to me parents or even a comfortable conversation about my identity with my parents after being out…i just cant imagine it and that scares me. i hope that some day the unimaginable will be a reality. that brings me to thinking about my two living grandparents. the first, my moms mom. in december 06 she had a stroke, followed by a second, since she has been bedridden and caught between not living and alive. i continue to see her each day, unsure if she knows who i am most days, and tell her about my day and my life. sometimes i want to come out to her, for two different reasons depending on the mood at the time. one reason is because i came to the realization while she was alive and i dont want to regret not allowing her to fully know me before passing. the other is because i know she wont remember the next time i see her and i dont even know that she will understand, but the experience of telling someone would be cathartic and would make the next and the next easier. the second is my dads mom. she is at the beginning stages of alzheimers, her memory going quicker and quicker these days. she still recognizes me and though confused, has a pretty good grasp of who i am and where im at in life most days. the same as my other grandma, this is a realization and truth about myself that i came to in her life time and feel wrong letting her pass without sharing that part of me with her. i know that she still has time to go, but in that time her memory and recognition will only get worse and i feel wrong not letting her know while she can grasp who i am to some extent. though i dont believe she will understand the queer identity i have come to about myself, she can understand it on level if i generalize it to the binary definitions that people find it necessary to use. (odd fact: strangely enough, new york new york just came on on my shuffle as i am writing about that grandma of mine…that is one of her favorite songs, about her home). as these thoughts have filled my mind more and more, i have recently had the desire to go to the cemetery where my aunt is buried and sit and “talk with her” and come out to her. a part of me wishes i had the opportunity to do so when she was alive, but when she passed i was not in a place or maturity to allowed myself to think or believe such things about myself. another part of me recognizes that she is one of three people in my life i have had a special connection with, one of three i have always known love me unconditionally and so do in return and am curious how she would react and if i would have continued to have that same relationship should she know this about me. also, as with my first grandma, just being able to say it outloud would be cathartic and make each time in the future easier. a part of me feels that that those thoughts are morbid, but whats really holding me back from doing that is that those actions are incongruent with my thoughts. i do not believe in god or heaven, i feel that going to a cemetery, while its paying respect to her, she doesnt know and can not hear me speaking to her, still this is something i am wanting to do more and more since it came to mind.